Video and Text

[what_ho_jeeves]

What ho, what ho, what ho, guests all!

Back home, I was a writer of sorts, and upon occasion I turned my talents to the aid of my Aunt Dahlia for her magazine, writing fashion tips and the like. Yes, I am the author of "What the Well-Dressed Man is Wearing This Season." And, since the season has changed, I thought to try my hand at it again.

[Text]

Now that the winter season is upon us, it is time to bundle up warmly, but this is no reason to set fashion aside. On the contrary, the layers and textures of winter clothes allow for great opportunities to display one's haute designs. Aubergine is the colour of the season this year, so you cannot go wrong adding an aubergine hat to your ensemble, or a fine wool aubergine scarf. For the more daring, try a Drazi purple sash. To keep warm on the chilly nights, consider a Creeper-inspired green parka, or, for a sleeker look, a Centauri military-style overcoat. Under all circumstances, do not wear white.

Comments

[what_ho_jeeves]

I never thought of it like that.

Does that mean that I am correct to wear a white mess jacket no matter who should poo-poo at the notion?

[ewestmarch]

Have to weigh which you value more, I guess. Your white jacket or the approval of strangers.

[what_ho_jeeves]

It's not the approval of strangers that's the catch, it's the approval of Jeeves. He detests the white mess jacket with a passion akin to Clytemnesta's hatred for Agamemnon. Although he has not taken an axe to it, he did burn my last one.

[ewestmarch]

[Emilia cackles.]

After my own heart. Did you burn something of his?

[what_ho_jeeves]

[Bertie's already wide blue eyes go even wider at the suggestion.]

Oh, I could never do such a thing. A pipped Jeeves is a foe to be reckoned with. Jeeves is the sort of chap of whom one might say "no better friend, no worse enemy."

[ewestmarch]

So you're afraid of him. He usually an arsonist?

[what_ho_jeeves]

No, I'm not afraid of him. I am a man of iron will, not one of those sorts who are positively ruled by their valets.

[Bertie is a man of self-delusion.]

But I do not wish to offend him, either. Jeeves is special, a paragon among paragons, and all my chums would like nothing so much as to woo him away from my service.

And he only rarely burns my clothing. More often he gives the offending article away to some chap in need.

[ewestmarch]

Some worker, if he can burn your stuff.

[what_ho_jeeves]

Jeeves more than makes up for it with the many services he provides and, most importantly, his skill at fishing the young master out of the soup. True, I get a bit pipped when he disposed of a new jacket or a fetching hat of which he disapproves, but I cannot remain vexed at him when he deftly keeps me from being forced down the aisle with the likes of Madeline Bassett or Florance Craye.

[ewestmarch]

The... market aisle?

[what_ho_jeeves]

Oh no, no, no. The church aisle. Holy matrimony. Fastened with the old ball and chain. Get hitched. Go before the altar. Tie the knot. Do the "I dos"...

[Bertie can go on like this for a while.]

[ewestmarch]

Yeah. Alright.

You know you can just say "I don't."

[what_ho_jeeves]

I couldn't do that; it would hurt the poor girl's feelings to be thus rejected. No, the filly must always end the match herself.

[ewestmarch]

She can handle it. Don't baby a person just because she's a woman.

[what_ho_jeeves]

But what if she cries? I don't think I could hold firm in the face of tears.

[ewestmarch]

You're not that much of a catch. She'll find somebody else if she's into skinny and stupid.

[what_ho_jeeves]

Yes, that's what I would think, but Madeline Bassett is--

Wait just a bally moment, I'm not stupid. I'll have you know that I am considered quite the intellectual of my friends.

[This is true. But only because his friends are even more hopeless than he is.]

[ewestmarch]

You said that last time.

[what_ho_jeeves]

I did?

Oh, it must be correct then, if I said it twice.

[ewestmarch]

I said you were stupid twice, does it make that true?

[what_ho_jeeves]

[Bertie frowns, perplexed by this logistical conundrum he's gotten himself into. If p therefore q and "p" = "something said twice," but "q" = "something Bertie does not wish to be so..."]

Now you're confusing me.

[ewestmarch]

What a shock.