Audio

[timesbureaucrat]

[Private to Security Personnel]

My apologies if I've been excessively underfoot for some of you [Charon. Kay. Boone, to some extent.] during the investigation into the explosions. As I have been recently reminded, it is not my place to pry into security matters. I shall henceforth be leaving it to the professionals. And if you find any bomb scraps that need analyzing, I am at your service. [He can't entirely let it go, but at least he's gone from wanting to personally investigate and occasionally tossing around orders to simply offering to assist in his technician capacity.]

[Private to Kay]

Are you available for that talk you mentioned earlier?

Comments

[most_feared]

I like apple pie because sitting down and eating a pie helps keep me from overthinking something.

[That's something anyway.]

I thought for the most part you came here to figure out your own head so you wouldn't have those vexations? [Not to find out anything about him.]

[timesbureaucrat]

[Victory! Glorious victory! Getting that tiny nugget of information, small as it is, feels like a tremendous accomplishment after all the time and effort it took to get it.]

You're not wrong. But I see no reason not to multitask.

[most_feared]

Why are you trying to multitask? [For all his paranoia, he doesn't think Narvin would want to compromise his efforts to be a responsible protection officer. Nor can he figure out why talking to him would be interesting.]

[timesbureaucrat]

[He gives an idle shrug.] Curiosity.

You're an interesting human.

[And for a temperament like Narvin's, there's nothing like presenting a granite block keeping in all information to make Narvin strongly feel that he needs to know everything that's being kept from him.]

[most_feared]

Oh.

[He says it mildly. ]

A lot of aliens are actually scared shitless of me. [He says as he stirs his coffee.]

[timesbureaucrat]

You see, I find that interesting.

[The ruthless exercise of power--whether political or firepower--and the ability to strike fear into one's enemies are things that have always drawn Narvin's attention, although he's only just recently started to be self aware of that fact.]

Do they have good reason to be?

[most_feared]

Only if they try to fuck with my planet and it's citizens. That includes the immigrated ones that are just minding their own business.

I guess they get all worked up over nothing.

[timesbureaucrat]

If the fear thus inspired gives some hostile aliens pause and keeps them from carrying out an attack, then it's all for the best that you have that reputation.

[A pause.]

I'm not frightened. [Cautious, yes. Fascinated, definitely. But not frightened.]

[most_feared]

It's not a reputation I care for. [He says earnestly.] There are a dozen agents that I think are as good as I am but just don't have my history, but because I have a reputation I invite a lot of people to come after me to show how big and bad they are because they think they can whoop my ass, or they can use me to fuck with a timeline since a lot of important events for my organization are related to my continuity.

If it was me, no one would ever notice me. I do my best to keep it that way with people, but there are situations where there's just no such luck. [He sounds very unhappy about this. He likes being good at his job, not asking for trouble.]

[timesbureaucrat]

So it's a...[He searches for the English idiom.]...double edged sword. Some aliens respect you for it, but for others it makes you a desirable target.

Have hostiles attacked your timeline a lot? [As far as Narvin is concerned, that kind of attack is more devastating than a blaster. A blaster will just kill you, but a temporal assault can wipe out millions in the collateral damage.]

[most_feared]

Fear isn't respect. If that were the case, you would respect terrorists.

[His brows climb up a little.] No, it's not respect. Totally different thing.

[timesbureaucrat]

[That gives Narvin pause. He'd never considered it in those terms.]

Are you respected as well as feared?

[most_feared]

Enough to get my work done and that's what matters.

[He doesn't sound all that flattered by the attention. It's just a thing that exists.]

[timesbureaucrat]

Where I was before I came here--it's a long story, alternate universes--I wasn't exactly respected there, but I was feared. And that did the job well enough.

[It was a novelty. Half the Capitol might have hated him, thanks to the reputation his alternate self had cultivated before Narvin stepped into his shoes, but when he gave an order they followed it.]

I don't crave power or attention or glory, but I admit, I want to be respected. It's...never really worked out for me, however. It seems to be worse, not better, the higher in rank one gets. Everyone is that much more keen to tear you down. I'd hoped I'd be happier as a technician, with no eyes upon me, no judgement. But it's been a long time since I was...normal. Just a civilian leading a civilian life. It's surprisingly difficult to adjust.

[most_feared]

No. No when you're feared, people keep things from you. Lie to you. Avoid you, make it difficult to be found. If they respect you, they give you whatever you need, they trust in your abilities rather than just let you do it because you might hurt them otherwise even if you're incompetent.

[He rolls his eyes.] I think I just pinpointed the problem with most workplace managers I've run into out in the civilian sector.

[timesbureaucrat]

Well.

[His eyebrows rise and fall in a quick, resigned facial shrug.]

That's disheartsening.

Perhaps it's better for everyone that I am just a technician. There, at least if I'm not respected, if information is willfully kept from me, no one dies as a result.

[most_feared]

Yeah.

Sorta sad how we're the backwards ones.

But I met way too many species that think the same thing. [He sounds sincerely disappointed by that himself.]

[timesbureaucrat]

[Narvin ponders that for a moment.]

Have you ever been in a position where you start to wonder if it's worth it? If everything you sacrificed and everything you risk to do the job you do is worth it?

[most_feared]

Oh. No. No I work for good people. It's worth it. Sure, sometimes I wonder what mighta been but... for the most part? [He rubs the back of his neck thoughtfully. Hm. Even with Alpha?]

Yeah. Yeah, it's been worth it.

[timesbureaucrat]

[He stares down at his tea. The liquid is making little ripples in the cup from his barely shivering hands not quite holding it still.

He's quiet for a long time.]

I wish--

[Then breaks off. Pauses.]

No, never mind. It isn't appropriate of me to...and certainly not in front of an alien. [Isn't appropriate to question his planet, or High Council, or the work he's done for both.]

[most_feared]

[He lets a silence linger, before he asks-]

Well you told me this much and it's not like I got any political bearing. Speak your peace.

[timesbureaucrat]

[Narvin considers it. Kay's right, he already had enough information to destroy his career if he were in a position and a mind to. He might as well go all the way.]

I wish I had that confidence in the value of my work back home. I did, once. I was utterly certain that everything I did was for the good of Gallifrey, that I was saving my people. I miss that feeling of certainty. I'm...tired. It's one of the reasons I came here. Ostensibly, it was because an alternate universe might contain the key to curing a virus that's been ravaging my people--and that is a strong motive still--but a part of my willingness to come was also a desire to escape for just a little while. It's a terribly shameful motive, but there it is.